


Brothers and Liberty

by Jenna_Nicole



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Big Brother Thor (Marvel), Brother Feels, Brotherhood, Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Love, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Loki & Thor Friendship (Marvel), Loki (Marvel) Lives, Loki Angst, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-14 10:34:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19271491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenna_Nicole/pseuds/Jenna_Nicole
Summary: They were willing to give him a home here.But he wasn’t satisfied. He wished he was. It would be so nice if he would let himself make it easy for himself. But he remained restless, knowing he would never accept their forgiveness. He would rather have the hatred.And he began to pack.He had made his first real choice in a universe without Thanos.





	Brothers and Liberty

His bed was made, the bag was shut, and along with it, his need to remain.

It had been an unexpected few weeks in Stark’s almost quaint home, just being there, with no goal to achieve or debt to be paid. Pepper had been remarkably kind to house these stragglers, who knew not where their futures lie in the ruins of the lost ones. Without Romanoff, without Rogers, and without Stark, the Avengers were beginning brand new. So they took time to build, in the confines of a secure home.

And as for Loki, he remained. Thor had asked him to stay beside him and he had obliged. It was the least he could do, while he could do it.

But he couldn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t that he wanted to leave Thor, or even that he detested the house or the people in it. In fact, he was surprised to find kindness in the likes of Wanda, Sam, and Bucky. Even Pepper, who remembered still Tony’s almost demise once upon a time, remained kind. The first day he arrived, she had placed a steaming cup of earl grey in front of him and told him he could stay for a while. That times had changed.

Loki hadn’t known what to say. He had just nodded slowly with eyes of disbelief.

But it seemed that Thanos had made people forget the crimes of Loki the monster, and instead saw him as a harmless creature that could maybe be of use to them.

They were willing to give him a home here.

But he wasn’t satisfied. He wished he was. It would be so nice if he would let himself make it easy for himself. But he remained restless, knowing he would never accept their forgiveness. He would rather have the hatred.

And he began to pack.

 

_The avengers had been inseparable since the final battle against Thanos. It was as if they feared that a moment apart would result in another dusting, that next time they wouldn’t be able to fix it. Often, they would be huddled on the couch watching movies or outside by the fire telling bittersweet stories. Even Loki had grown some attachment to the nights in the grass and falling asleep on the carpeted floor. It was comradery he had never experienced and found himself jealous for._

_It also made him see the Avengers as people in a way he hadn’t before. As they shared their fears. Their dreams. Their desires. And it was easy for them to do because they had become family. And even more now, as their worlds had fallen apart._

_And he had sat with them, realizing for the first time that they weren't who he thought they were at all. They were no more than broken people, more broken now. And though they were sad, they were happy together. Somewhere along the way, he realized that he maybe could have been so too._

_But Loki had missed it the day when Wanda had captured a photo of him laughing at something Thor had said._

 

He had pulled on a black hoodie and a pair of dark-colored jeans. He had to dress casual. He would need to blend in. He couldn’t be marked as the monster who had attacked New York. He needed to disappear as just another face in the crowd.

Putting the small bag over his shoulder, he sighed, glancing at Thor’s sleeping form on the other side of the room, unaware of the disappointment he would find in the morning. But it had to be this way. Loki knew it would be so much harder to go if he was awake, actively trying to convince him not to. Because he knew he would probably give in.

His mind on Thor, he almost forgot. He turned to the nightstand, pulling the small photograph from underneath the lamp, closing his hand over it. Flipping it over in his hand so it was right side up, he released the breath he didn’t know he was holding.

He wasn’t sure he wanted to look.

 

_He had been wandering in the middle of the night, admittedly searching for more than a glass of water he claimed he needed. More than anything, he had needed a walk. His legs had eventually brought him to the kitchen where he placed his gaze on the many polaroids Wanda had covered the fridge with, to which Pepper must have approved. She had truly captured everyone. Even those ridiculous Guardians who had stayed a few nights._

_And then his eyes found the photograph of himself and Thor, simple sitting together on the couch. Thor had said something, that Loki couldn’t recall now, and Loki had laughed. He only wished as he stared at the photo, that he could remember what that had felt like because he couldn’t remember that it had ever happened. He hardly recognized himself._

_He removed the photo with his hand, studying it more intently, trying to reason with himself that this wasn’t even him. That it must have been modified somehow. But there was no way to reason it, it was just real._

_He had turned, and there was Wanda, watching him with a sort of amusement and maybe a bit of concern. He hadn’t realized until much later that he had been crying at that moment._

_“Maximoff,” he whispered, in a nearly mute tone. “Please, can I…”_

_“Take it,” she said, waving her hand, a small smile shining on her face._

_He had slipped it into his pocket and returned to bed._

 

And now he was putting it in the pocket of a navy duffle bag, knowing he might never remove it from the bag to look at it again. It was simply too hard to do. It would only serve to make him doubt his decision to leave.  

But he turned, carefully walking down the staircase as quiet as he could manage, ignoring the pounding of his heart and panic of his thoughts. Everything inside him told him that he was making a mistake, but he blotted those out. He must leave.

“What are you doing?” his brother asked behind him, but he already knew.

 

_In the chaos of the battle, Loki could have been missed. What, with Valkyrie and her pegasus, and the mighty battle cries of the Wakandan warriors. He had stepped through the portal, almost nervously, searching the colorful surroundings of people of all kinds, some familiar, but most strange._

_Looking around him, Loki hadn’t noticed that Thor was running toward him. Out of nowhere came two hands on his shoulders, and Thor, with tear covered cheeks and the brightest smile Loki had ever seen on him. “I knew it,” he said, pulling Loki close in a way he hadn’t done in decades. “I knew you would return.”_

_He had smiled, attempting to keep himself from melting into the first delicate touch he had received since he last saw his mother. “Don’t tell me you were beginning to believe otherwise.”_

_He should have been angry with him, but his relief overtook him._

_Looking at Thor, Loki bit back any comment he would normally make about Thor in this state, looking worn and tired. He had gained weight. He had let himself go. But he was still soft and passionate, just as he had always been._

_Loki bit back saying anything, tired of inflicting pain on Thor._

_“I am so glad to have you back.”_

_Loki smiled to himself._

 

“I have to go,” Loki said, not daring to turn.

Thor was about to protest, Loki knew. It was what he had been afraid of. “Do you not feel welcomed here?”

Loki couldn’t tell him that he didn’t. He couldn’t explain himself. Everyone had been so kind. He wasn’t leaving with hatred for what he was leaving, but what he was bringing. He knew he would ruin something soon enough. He always did without trying.

“I don’t know who I am, Thor.”

The older brother sighed aloud, reaching to place his hand on Loki’s shoulder. “Yes, you do.”

Loki shook his head, putting his gaze on the forest, now black figures on a canvas of a rising sun.

“You’re my brother,” Thor said, trying to approach Loki, knowing that if they met eyes, Loki might be honest. Maybe he would understand how deeply Thor did care for him. “And you are my other half. My Equal. You are a member of this team. Valued by this team. You were there beside us, Loki, saving the universe.”

“That’s what I am to you,” Loki cut in, diverting his gaze farther away.

Still, with his hand on Loki’s shoulder, he moved closer. “You know who you are.”

“I don’t,” Loki told him, pushing Thor away as he took a step toward the road. “I’m not that prince, your brother, not the one you’re looking for.”

“Neither am I,” he said. “But you are not that person who came to earth all those years ago. You must know you have changed.”

Loki placed his bag on the sidewalk, his hair lit up by the rising sun. “I’m something in between.” He turned to Thor, daring to meet his eyes. “A terrible combination of a fragile child and a wicked monster.”

Thor wanted to protest.

Loki stepped toward him, pushing frigid hands into his pockets. Trembling would not help him now.

“Loki…”

Pushing raven hair back, perhaps as a nervous habit, he pushed himself. “I must leave.”

“To find yourself?”

He swallowed, feeling so wrong as he stepped back. “I must, Thor. I must do this on my own. Just for a while.”

Of course, Thor couldn’t bear to lose his brother again. Not after so many times. Not when he had just gotten him back, as he was now closest to the Loki he always knew existed beneath the rage and bitterness. They had spent the last few weeks being brothers, for real. Laughing together. Exchanging stories. Recalling memories. Loki had been what Thor could only recall as effortlessly soft, as he had been, once.

Now, he was cold again. He seemed to want nothing to do with Thor’s pleads.

But Loki was turned away from him, and Thor could not see the water in his eyes.

“It’s Thanos,” Loki finally said, his hands clasped together. “Thor, you see, he took something from me. Something immensely valuable. I intend to get it back.”

The sky was getting lighter. Loki knew he needed to start walking or he would never go.

“Even while he is dead?”

“Not in my mind, Thor.”

Thanos had integrated every selfish decision, every thought out choice. He had the strings in many years of performance. He had hand-stitched the thread that kept Loki’s voice from speaking, causing an ache for the truth to stir inside for decades. Loki’s attempts to seize power, all orchestrated with Thanos in mind. His attack on Midgard, to serve as a warning to the mortals. His years he posed as Odin, a desperate attempt to hide from Thanos and his minions, who had promised him unimaginable agony. Selfish, he knew, but fearfully acted upon.

Thanos had stolen his liberty.

His ability to choose something because it’s what he wanted. His capability to focus on want rather than a reluctant need. As selfish as he knew he was, he also needed self-love. His self-hate burning for years, as he prioritized his need to escape over his want to be free. To be beside Thor. To tell him the truth.

He might indulge himself on this journey. Whether he deserved it or not. That was free will. That was liberty.

He needed to make choices and see them do good, rather than harm. If he could do good on his own accord, without Thanos looming in his thoughts, then maybe he could find himself. Maybe he could make peace. And if he could make a choice, without Thor in mind, and it did not destroy everything he would touch, then maybe he could learn to forgive himself.

It was almost daytime now, he realized, feeling Thor’s eyes still behind him.

He kept his eyes ahead, walking forward with his bag over his shoulder. But he couldn’t do it. Something twisted inside. It hurt to much to leave him like this.

So he exhaled, turning toward his brother and letting the bag fall to the sidewalk. Then with haste, he embraced his brother in a hug, wrapping his arms around him tighter than he had after that battle, and more genuinely than he had after Ragnarok.

Meeting eyes with Thor, he took a shaky breath, loosening his grip just a bit. “I am your brother,” he said, his voice heavy. “And Thor,” he said, gathering his full attention.

Thor stared at him, mustering the courage to let Loki go again.  

“I will return,” Loki told him, sincerely. “I promise.”

The sun lit up the world around them as they stood, beating warmth on the brothers. It reminded Thor that Loki had kept his last promise.

And just before Thor said another word, Loki let go. This time he didn’t turn back. He didn’t give in. He pulled the bag over his shoulder and he turned at the curb, hiding his face from his brother. When he was out of range, he wiped a tear from the corner of his eye, steadied his face, and boarded the parked bus.

He had made his first real choice in a universe without Thanos.


End file.
